Moms of Littles – Discipline

I’m so excited to be to this point in the series! This is where I stopped “wandering” in my motherhood journey and “crossed over” to intentional mothering (if you’re wondering what I mean by wandering, check out Part III). Don’t misunderstand me. It certainly didn’t mark a starting point of being a perfect, mistake-free mom. But it gave me the direction I needed to begin teaching and training my children in a way that would follow my core beliefs (Part II).

As a mom of littles, I was also growing in my walk with the Lord. I spent more time in His Word than I ever had before. I attended ladies’ meetings and retreats in order to fellowship with other women. I wanted to learn from them, but I was never comfortable enough to share “my wandering.” Maybe it was because I was ashamed. Maybe I was too prideful to admit that I needed help. Thinking back, I can’t tell you the reason I didn’t ask for help, but I’m thankful the Lord knew what I needed.

I went with some church ladies to a nearby ladies’ retreat. I don’t remember the exact theme, but it was all about being a mom. It was there that a pastor and his wife shared very basic, practical tips for parenting that I had honestly never heard before.

I know what you’re thinking…what do you mean you’d never heard it before? You grew up in church. Your mom had five kids.

Let me explain. I had heard from my parents and from the pulpit that children needed discipline and boundaries. I had heard that children should be obedient and respectful. I had heard that spanking was an appropriate and sometimes necessary form of discipline. I had heard that you shouldn’t spoil your children. I had heard a lot of things about parenting…but it was mostly broad, general statements that focused on the “outcome” and not the actual “parenting.”

This couple talked about how they parented and why they parented in the way that they did.

The mom shared how she managed the home of a large family. She shared specific chores her children were asked to do, specific ways she organized her cleaning and meal-planning, specific examples of how she disciplined her children. The dad gave specific instruction on discipline and what he believed was the right way to use spanking. I’m sure there was more to the things they shared, but those are the things that still stick out to me 14ish years later.

I remember sitting there and realizing their why (core beliefs) motivated their how. The decisions they made for their young children were all based on what they wanted for their children’s future. It wasn’t about what was easy, convenient, or even popular. It was about what was best for their children in the long run.

I was also confronted with a simple realization. Chaz and Harley were (still are) blessings from the Lord. If I was a stressed out, angry mom (The Wandering), it was not their fault. I was doing it wrong!

I had trained them not to obey me the first time I asked.
I had trained them they only had to obey when I got angry.

I would ask them to do something and then go back to what I needed or wanted to do. I didn’t take the time to ensure obedience the first time I asked. This would end with me becoming frustrated and angry before finally taking the time to discipline them.

For example:

I would say, “Pick up your toys.” Then I would go back to folding laundry.

When I walked by the room again and they still hadn’t picked up, I would say a bit louder, “Pick up your toys.”

The next time through, it was probably a yell, “I said pick up your toys!”

And finally, when I walked through and stepped on something, realizing they hadn’t obeyed me, I would get angry. Then I would spank them for disobeying me.

This is only one example of how this could take place. Maybe it happens while you are watching television and you don’t want to get up to deal with the disobedience. Maybe you are feeding the baby and your toddler is taking advantage of that to do things they know they shouldn’t be doing. Maybe you are in public and/or talking to a friend on the telephone and you don’t want to take the time to deal with the disobedience. Whatever the reason, you are training your kids not to obey you and that is only going to lead to frustration, anger, exhaustion, and ultimately heartache.

I was there, remember? I had messed up.

So how did I go about fixing it? First, I came home from that retreat and talked to Marc about it. I knew it was important that we be on the same page. Then we sat Chaz, 4, and Harley, 3, down and explained to them that we had messed up and some things were going to be different. Yes, I know they probably didn’t understand everything we said to them at the time, but we made it very clear that we would be expecting obedience the first time we asked them to do something.

Now let’s talk about spanking… I realize that there are many different, and very strong, beliefs about spanking. I’m not going to debate with anyone about the issue. I’m just going to tell you some of the principles we started using to guide us in using it as an effective, and eventually, rare discipline strategy.

When Chaz or Harley did something that deserved a spanking (mostly deliberate disobedience or defiance), we sent them to their room to wait for us. This gave us the opportunity to calm down if we were angry. It also gave them time to think about what they had done wrong. When we met with them, we would talk about what they had done (or not done) and we would talk about what the Bible said about it. If a spanking was still necessary, we would do it, and then we would reassure them that we loved them.

There was definitely a period of adjustment as Chaz and Harley learned that we were serious about obedience the first time, but it really didn’t take long for them to understand and change their behavior.

I had planned to put a bit more in this part of the series, but I think I’m going to stop for now! This is plenty long and maybe a bit to digest. The best advice I can give you regarding discipline:

Do NOT say it until you are ready to ENFORCE it.

Be consistent.

Stay tuned for the next one! More practical advice and examples coming your way. 😊

Part 1 – The Baby Years
Part 2 – Core Beliefs
Part 3 – Terrible 2s or is it 3s?

Disclaimer: My fear is that by writing practical advice to moms, people will think that I am essentially saying, “I’m a perfect mom, my kids are perfect, and my way is the only right way.” I am certainly not a perfect mom. I was not a perfect mom when my children were little. And my children? Well, they are not perfect either. This series will be a testimony of sorts based on my experience as a mother and an educator. You may be able to take some ideas and apply them to your own motherhood journey and you may not. My way is definitely not the only way.