Moms of Littles – Setting Expectations

Hey there! I’m back for more of what I call intentional mothering. I hope you have been following along in the series because I’m going to pick up right where I left off last time. If you need to catch up, no worries. Just click on over and read the previous posts here:

Part 1 – The Baby Years
Part 2 – Core Beliefs
Part 3 – Terrible 2s or is it 3s?
Part 4 – Discipline

In the last post, I gave my first two keys for discipline:

1. Do NOT say it unless you are ready to ENFORCE it.
2. Be consistent.

Today we’re going to add the third, setting expectations. Setting CLEAR expectations will actually help save your sanity because you are being proactive instead of “putting out fires” after they have already started. When our children know what we expect from them in a given situation, they will most likely behave appropriately. And that means, we will not need to discipline them as much!

WOOHOO! Is anyone else cheering right now?

Don’t misunderstand me. Discipline is necessary at times, but it is not something we enjoy. As our children get older and know what we expect from them, the need for discipline should diminish.

So how do we go about setting clear expectations?

You will need to think through situations where misbehavior is likely to take place. You will have to prepare your children for new and unfamiliar situations. You will even need to consider what your expectations are for them around the house. Let me give you some examples for this age (3-4ish):

Visiting After Church

Our church is very social and many of us spend time talking after services. When Chaz and Harley were little, we told them they needed to stay near us after church. There would be no running around the church where we didn’t know where they were or what they were up to. They could visit with their friends or play with toys while they waited for us, but it had to be in specific area.

Interrupting

I actually learned this tip from our church secretary. I hadn’t really thought about teaching my kids not to interrupt, but it is important! It can be very frustrating to try and have a conversation only to be interrupted, not to mention it is just rude. We taught Chaz and Harley to come up and put their hand on our elbow if they needed something while we were in the middle of a conversation. Then when there was a break in the conversation, we would find out what they needed (or thought they needed 😊).

***Have I mentioned how much we can learn from raising kids? Even as I type this, I’m convicted that I need to be careful not to interrupt when others are speaking. I have a tendency to do that sometimes, and I don’t want to be that way!***

The Store

Oh, the joys of taking young children to the store! Ha! Set CLEAR expectations and it will not be as difficult. I promise. First, tell them why you are going to the store. Groceries. Not toys. Second, tell them they are not to ask you for anything! No candy. No toys.

My kids were allowed to comment on things they saw that interested them. We would stop and look at a toy if we saw one they liked. They could admire it. Then we would tell them to put it on their birthday list or save up money to buy it. Funny how they would forget about those toys and never mention them again… 😉

If you find yourself in the middle of a melt down even after setting clear expectations, my first suggestion is that if you have been clear about keys #1 and #2, you get down on their level and explain what will happen if they do not stop the behavior. If you’ve taught them that discipline is not an idle threat, they will most likely get themselves under control. If that doesn’t work, you might need to leave your cart and possibly the store to take care of it. I know. I know. That is too much work. It is embarrassing. You will have to go back and get what you need. BUT you will most likely never have to deal with a melt down in the store again.

Now lest you think I am just a big “meanie” who never treated my kids. Occasionally, when we made it to the check out I would say, “Let’s grab a candy bar.” If your kids know it is a rare treat ON YOUR TERMS, they are not going to be asking you for every little thing at the store.

Oh, and don’t take your kids to the store hungry (same rule applies for us, doesn’t it?). Make sure they’ve had their snack and their tummies are full. That will help too.

Also, keep them in the cart when they are little. Then when they are old enough to be walking with you, set the expectation that they hold on to the cart at all times. My kids were so well trained at this, I would sometimes have to assure them it was okay to let go to let others pass by! Ha!

Household Chores

Once I realized that I wanted to train my children to be independent and responsible adults, I started setting expectations around the house. These will change over time, but my kids started with making their own beds, putting away the silverware, folding towels and washcloths, etc. Chaz started vacuuming early on and continued until now—I’m sure going to miss him when he goes to college next week! 😉

There were times when it would have been faster to “do it myself” and times when they were not capable of doing it as well as I would have, but I reminded myself of the why and continued training. I also didn’t accept less than their best, or what we call “half-jobs” in our house. Those times when they tried to just get it over with would be met with a reminder of Colossians 3:23 and instruction to do it again.

No Fighting Allowed

We did not allow our kids to fight. I can’t believe I’m saying this coming from a family of five siblings who to the best of my recollection fought like cats and dogs, but it is true. The way Marc and I saw it was that we were teaching our kids how to handle conflict and intense emotions in a productive way instead of yelling, hitting, or being ugly to one another. We certainly wouldn’t allow them to yell at or hit anyone outside of our home, so why would we allow it inside?

The Bible is filled with verses about putting others before ourselves and that was the basis for this expectation. I don’t believe there is an exception in there for siblings!

Even now, the kids get along very well. They are best friends—even if Chaz would hesitate to admit it. 😉 When they have a disagreement or misunderstanding, they work it out in a respectful way and one or the other even apologizes for being “short” when appropriate (without prompting from me…yippee!).

These are just some of the examples of expectations we set for our kids when they were 3-4ish years old. There are probably many more! Hopefully, this will give you some ideas and inspire you to identify areas where you can be more clear in your expectations for your children. It will help them…and you!

Next up…confronting attitudes. Chat–or is it blog?–soon!